You wanted the answer to that, didn't you? Well you aren't going to get anything out of us quite yet. More like we still don't have the answers. We have actually started paperwork with LDS family services on adoption, however we still don't know if that is right for us right now. After adding up potential cost it could add up to as much as an IVF cycle if you are chosen to adopt. (although there is a tax credit for it). We thought the 4,000 they advertised online was it with travel fees. We were very wrong. LDS family services does not have many people who love it. I more so hear people that they did that and they are done and glad. The big complaint is they expect you to do pretty much everything then sit back and wait for years. My concern about going with them is having a husband who is still in school, not making a super desirable wage. I know that if the girl really felt it was right to place with our family it would still happen. Most I would think would prefer a family done with school and a good job. I would if I were in their shoes. There are currently 607 waiting families, and no where near that of mothers who actually place.
We have also been looking into IVF, and actually considering it. That's a whole lot of progress, seeing as though we were extremely against it in the beginning. We are talking to others who have been through the process. Most however, do not have a successful first time around it seems. We do know one lady who got pregnant the first time, but that is out of 6 or 7 people we personally know who have done it. Many getting pregnant on third or fourth tries. Costs very, but seem to average around 14,000 somewhere. (about 3/4 of our year's salary right now!) Extremely expensive if you do it more than once. More than 1,000 a month if you want to look at it that way. We have heard about grants to cover some of those costs and are looking into that. Also we have found out more about the medication, and yes there is a lot. Tons more than with IUI. Lots and lots of shots. :(. I am not a fan of those since often I have a reaction because of the alcohol mixing with the hormone or something like that. I guess I just have to wait a bit longer for it to dry.
We have also looked into Foster/foster to adoption. This is probably the "easiest, quickest, cheapest" way to get a baby. However, the goal is to get the children back in their own homes. Not quite as many people have done this. Like I have said before, my concern in my 3 year old would have a hard time understanding if we had to give his baby that has been in his home back. I think we also might have a hard time with that where we want one of our own, and would love whoever came as our own. Michael and I realize foster care can be super hard, but also worth it for that one child you help see what life can be like. We have talked about doing this one day early in our marriage. Its still on the table, but might not be right now. I think I would like to wait for Matthew to be a bit older, but it is an option in the future for sure.
So anyway...yep. That's all I really have to say. I definitely feel the pressure now, realizing this is not going to be easy, whatever road we take. I also feel pressure from knowing that we really don't have money to do any of this. Really. We do have some savings still, but only a few thousand to put toward anything, if that. The rest we are actually using to live on combined with Michael's salary until he gets out of school. This means, one, we really have to choose carefully as we will only get one shot at whatever we decide to do, and two, we have to figure out how in the world we can save money for this. If you have amazing ideas, let us know!
"And..we did wait in these difficult circumstances for the space of many months..." (felt that went very well with this post, although taken completly out of context. Alma 58:7)
Friday, March 14, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
adoption
We went to the adoption orientation today. Wow is all I can say. The reason is say that is I realized it is complicated to adopt, but boy it is much more complicated than I realized. No wonder it takes 6-12 months to even get your application to the point where you can be considered approved to adopt. We were the only ones in the orientation so it was a little bit weird, but we could ask anything we wanted to. You have to start at LDS services by going to this meeting and documenting infertility. Then once you do you can send in an application and they will meet with you. If everything is satisfactory then you pay 1,000 (which counts towards the last of the adoption, but its non refundable should you change your mind, or your situation changes and you no longer qualify or never get matched up for any reason). Then you have many more things to do, like find a lawyer, home studies, interviews, bishop recommendations, training that has to be complete, etc. I don't even remember everything. It is cheaper though then other options out there, however, it can still go up to 10,000 and that's probably on the low end, which is about where we'd be. They do group meetings once a month so you can get to know other people and be able to discuss your feelings/situations with others in the same boat. These are optional. The more involved the better though.
So its pretty intense, and we were a bit overwhelmed by all the information at once. I guess it is good for people to know what they are getting into. The lady we met with was a bit odd. She was nice, but she came across as talking to us like we were little kids whenever she told us things we shouldn't do in the process. She would shake her finger and say "no, don't do it..nope, never do it" in a talking to kid tone. She is not the lady we will go through the process with though so its fine, but it was weird.
We are not sure what road we will pursue. We don't want to sit idol, yet either way seems complicated and super expensive. We have some concerns about adoption. I'm not sure if we have the funds. If you are under poverty level (which we defiantly are) it takes special approval. In that case, my guess is they would approve us, but not fully until Michael actually got a nursing job. Also, I'm not sure if they would approve a home study where we are right now. They look at safety (which on most things we are fine with) and cleanliness, those types of things. Generally takes an hour . However, we are pretty squished in our place and things like our closets are stacked bottom to top with boxes, stroller,swings, other big baby items that we would want to keep which they could deem a safety hazard because of the possibility of opening closet doors and things falling on you. Not sure that's a safety hazard but perhaps. Plus I don't know if there is a space requirement. We only have two bedrooms here, and a small apartment. In fact, if we had another baby ourselves, we would want to move to a bigger place since I don't think we would fit. We don't want to do that now though because we get such a great deal on rent here and she never raises rent once you move in. We've lived here almost 4 years so rent is looking better and better once we look around. It fits our income where we are at now.
Anyway, i'm sure that was lots of unnecessary information, but I am trying to get a grip on everything in my own head as we figure out which course to take. Looking at the reality of our choices I defiantly feel a heavier burden than I have previously. I'm sure once we make a choice and head straight for it, it will be better. Until then my head I'm sure will be spinning...so we could still use your prayers. :)
So its pretty intense, and we were a bit overwhelmed by all the information at once. I guess it is good for people to know what they are getting into. The lady we met with was a bit odd. She was nice, but she came across as talking to us like we were little kids whenever she told us things we shouldn't do in the process. She would shake her finger and say "no, don't do it..nope, never do it" in a talking to kid tone. She is not the lady we will go through the process with though so its fine, but it was weird.
We are not sure what road we will pursue. We don't want to sit idol, yet either way seems complicated and super expensive. We have some concerns about adoption. I'm not sure if we have the funds. If you are under poverty level (which we defiantly are) it takes special approval. In that case, my guess is they would approve us, but not fully until Michael actually got a nursing job. Also, I'm not sure if they would approve a home study where we are right now. They look at safety (which on most things we are fine with) and cleanliness, those types of things. Generally takes an hour . However, we are pretty squished in our place and things like our closets are stacked bottom to top with boxes, stroller,swings, other big baby items that we would want to keep which they could deem a safety hazard because of the possibility of opening closet doors and things falling on you. Not sure that's a safety hazard but perhaps. Plus I don't know if there is a space requirement. We only have two bedrooms here, and a small apartment. In fact, if we had another baby ourselves, we would want to move to a bigger place since I don't think we would fit. We don't want to do that now though because we get such a great deal on rent here and she never raises rent once you move in. We've lived here almost 4 years so rent is looking better and better once we look around. It fits our income where we are at now.
Anyway, i'm sure that was lots of unnecessary information, but I am trying to get a grip on everything in my own head as we figure out which course to take. Looking at the reality of our choices I defiantly feel a heavier burden than I have previously. I'm sure once we make a choice and head straight for it, it will be better. Until then my head I'm sure will be spinning...so we could still use your prayers. :)
Saturday, March 1, 2014
What's next?
That's the big question, right? Well, it still is the question. We have made no firm decision, except we have decided to explore both our options. The first thing we have done is to set up an appointment with the fertility doctor just to see what he says and learn more details about IVF just so we can be aware and have more information. Like I said before, we have been leaning toward adoption; however, that could change. We will go to an adoption information session hopefully this next week, but if not it will be in April since they only do it once a month. It is mandatory before thinking of starting any paperwork. We feel it will be best to be as well educated as possible on both so we can make a good decision. By the way, if any of you have experience with either of these we would love to hear what you went through and feelings and expenses along the way! (you can message me individually if you would like)
We realize it may be quite a while before we get another child. It could be months to years no matter what we choose. I am not super excited about that wait. I always wanted siblings that were close so they could be good friends, share secrets, watch out for each other, etc. However, that isn't how life is turning out, and that's okay. Its not the way we want it, but its what we have been given. We can either find a way to rejoice in what we have already, or crumple under the pain, and you defiantly could crumple. We choose to rejoice. Its not always easy. I really wish Matthew could have a sibling so he would have another playmate other than myself. I'm sure he gets quite bored with me some days. I wish he had someone to tease, fight with, and learn to share with other than myself. Even so , we have been so blessed. Matthew right now is in a "hugging, I love you" stage. I am loving it. He will come up randomly several times a day and say "I love you!" and give a huge hug. I am loving the one on one time I have to develop a deep and meaningful relationship and really get to know him. I also love that right now we have so much freedom as a small family that we can up and go somewhere whenever we chose since there are only 3 people to consider at this point in time. Michael and I sure love to get out and play, that's for sure!
Why Did This Happen to Me? by Ray Pritchard. He says: “Sometimes we will face things for which there is no earthly explanation. In those moments we need to erect a sign that reads, ‘Quiet: God at Work.’ Meanwhile, hold on, child of God. Keep believing. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Let God do His work in you. The greatest tragedy is to miss what God wants to teach us through our troubles.”
There is always something to be gained or learned through struggles. You may not see if until years down the road. Michael and I have seen so many of these times in our lives and sometimes, not until years later did we understand. One thing I do understand, God's timing is perfect, and so much better than mine. I hope each of you who struggle with infertility or whatever else you may be struggling with, that one day you will find the peace you so desire. God bless you!
We realize it may be quite a while before we get another child. It could be months to years no matter what we choose. I am not super excited about that wait. I always wanted siblings that were close so they could be good friends, share secrets, watch out for each other, etc. However, that isn't how life is turning out, and that's okay. Its not the way we want it, but its what we have been given. We can either find a way to rejoice in what we have already, or crumple under the pain, and you defiantly could crumple. We choose to rejoice. Its not always easy. I really wish Matthew could have a sibling so he would have another playmate other than myself. I'm sure he gets quite bored with me some days. I wish he had someone to tease, fight with, and learn to share with other than myself. Even so , we have been so blessed. Matthew right now is in a "hugging, I love you" stage. I am loving it. He will come up randomly several times a day and say "I love you!" and give a huge hug. I am loving the one on one time I have to develop a deep and meaningful relationship and really get to know him. I also love that right now we have so much freedom as a small family that we can up and go somewhere whenever we chose since there are only 3 people to consider at this point in time. Michael and I sure love to get out and play, that's for sure!
Why Did This Happen to Me? by Ray Pritchard. He says: “Sometimes we will face things for which there is no earthly explanation. In those moments we need to erect a sign that reads, ‘Quiet: God at Work.’ Meanwhile, hold on, child of God. Keep believing. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Let God do His work in you. The greatest tragedy is to miss what God wants to teach us through our troubles.”
There is always something to be gained or learned through struggles. You may not see if until years down the road. Michael and I have seen so many of these times in our lives and sometimes, not until years later did we understand. One thing I do understand, God's timing is perfect, and so much better than mine. I hope each of you who struggle with infertility or whatever else you may be struggling with, that one day you will find the peace you so desire. God bless you!
Friday, January 10, 2014
the beginning of a new chapter....
This will be a relatively short post, but just so everyone who is following is aware, we did get tested for pregnancy and it turned up negative. Our choice now as far as treatments go is talk to the doctor, who will likely recommend IVF. Right now, this is not the direction we wish to go. Not saying that in the future that will change, but for now we are definatly done. After countless hours of treatments and thousands of dollars, we definatly need a break. We plan to start looking into adoption in a few months and see how we feel, if we should persue that option or reconsider. I have always wanted to adopt, many of my best friends were adopted growing up, and I think that started me thinking what an awesome thing it was! Even when I was single I went to an adoption conference in Logan with many families who had either adopted or given a child for adoption and it was great! That being said, I know it can be just as hard of a road as fertility treatments, and much more time waiting. However, after doing some research and meeting with some people, if we feel this is where we should head currently we will do it! It is getting harder and harder to adopt with more people wishing to raise their children on their own, but its not impossible yet! :).
We felt that we would get pregnant when we started this journey, and it was true, we did. That pregnancy did not last. After that pregnancy I never felt specifically we would get pregnant as we had before. I truly hope there are more children meant to come to our family, whatever way they come into our family is fine by me. I would just like at least one, and maybe two more if it be the Lord's will.
Every day until that time we will be thankful for the sweet guy we have been blessed with and enjoy him. He is such a charmer! I can't imagine life without him. He takes a lot of work, he is a very hyper boy, but it is so worth it! We wish all our other friends in our situation the best, and pray that you are guided to know how to expand your families as well. Signing off for now,will update as we know things in the coming months and year...thanks for following with us on our journey, which I believe has only just begun.
We felt that we would get pregnant when we started this journey, and it was true, we did. That pregnancy did not last. After that pregnancy I never felt specifically we would get pregnant as we had before. I truly hope there are more children meant to come to our family, whatever way they come into our family is fine by me. I would just like at least one, and maybe two more if it be the Lord's will.
Every day until that time we will be thankful for the sweet guy we have been blessed with and enjoy him. He is such a charmer! I can't imagine life without him. He takes a lot of work, he is a very hyper boy, but it is so worth it! We wish all our other friends in our situation the best, and pray that you are guided to know how to expand your families as well. Signing off for now,will update as we know things in the coming months and year...thanks for following with us on our journey, which I believe has only just begun.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The decision...
So we've decided to go ahead with the absolute last round of IUI. We will see how it turns out in a few weeks. Either way, we felt like since it was okay to try again, we should at least try. We are hoping what we will have left in our savings will be enough to last the next two years until michael can get a better job. Its a little scary putting out this last 1,000, but we'd rather deal with that, then the question of "what if" for years to come.
One day we will be blessed with another, however, don't know for sure WHEN or HOW that day will come, but we know it WILL come!
One day we will be blessed with another, however, don't know for sure WHEN or HOW that day will come, but we know it WILL come!
Monday, November 25, 2013
Well, plan B it seems...
Sorry I haven't posted for a while, I did mean to post earlier. The result from the last test was negative, which I pretty much knew by Monday . I started having signs of pregnancy the week before, and by Sunday they started fading. I didn't really want to do the blood test, but had to anyway. Luckily I only had to do it once since my score was 2.
So what next? Well, we are deciding. We called up the doctors office to see if doing another round with clomid was safe. They assured us it is. We are deciding now if we want to continue with another round of IUI, which would defiantly be the final one. We will have reached our limit by that point. We took this month off to do some praying and trying to figure out if we have the money or the will power to do one more round or not. At this point I can honestly say I don't know what we will do. We would love to have one more child of our own making, but at this point I would be happy to adopt also. It would be really nice to have at least one, maybe two more. I don't know that we qualify to adopt right now financially through LDS social services, and I know we can not afford adoption elsewhere at this point. We have decided though that we do not wish to try IVF any time in the foreseeable future, if at all. We just don't feel we should head in that direction. So our options are: wait for months or years and hope, adopt, or do the last cycle of IUI. I guess I can update it at that point when we decide.
Meanwhile, to keep the happy thoughts and not focus on not getting pregnant, I came up with a list of what fun not being pregnant can be. There are many things I enjoy that I can't do while pregnant :
Eat sushi (sashimi), ride any ride at the amusement park I want, waterslides galore, I can still jump, I am not going to feel like I have the flu the next 3 months, I don't have to try and find long shirts that fit, I can enjoy cheese (ha ha didn't get that priveledge while pregnant with Matthew), I can clean without getting tired, and when we move I will be able to pack and lift. These are just some fun things, but one major thing I have always been worried about is getting post partum depression again. It was definatly one of the most trying times of my life, and I'm sure my hubbies. I remember wanting to love my baby so bad, but could not feel it for the longest time. I didn't really want anything to do with him. I remember being super tired all the time and not having energy to do anything (I know this comes with sleep deprevation also). I was easily angered, my emotions ran crazy. It was not a fun time in my life. It lasted like this for six months, and very slowly got better until month 10 when I finally finally felt normal. However, to have one more child I would be willing to go through it again (I think! ;) ). I would be able to prepare more now for this possibility before a little one came though.
So anyway, for now, we are trying to pray for direction and enjoy Matthew. It has been a privilege to spend this much time with him one on one. I have loved it. I have loved watching him grow and develop. As much as I want a child, I would not trade the time we've been given for anything. I think it was extremely important that we had time to bond after my bout with postpartum. It was after that I really developed a love and closeness to him, more than I imagined possible. We've also been able to do so many fun things as a family, and its been much easier with only one, I'm sure. So I guess however you look at it, we've been blessed. Some of our fun adventures
In the mountains
Carving pumpkins
Hiking arches
Food shopping at Discovery Gateway
So on to whatever the next step will be....
So what next? Well, we are deciding. We called up the doctors office to see if doing another round with clomid was safe. They assured us it is. We are deciding now if we want to continue with another round of IUI, which would defiantly be the final one. We will have reached our limit by that point. We took this month off to do some praying and trying to figure out if we have the money or the will power to do one more round or not. At this point I can honestly say I don't know what we will do. We would love to have one more child of our own making, but at this point I would be happy to adopt also. It would be really nice to have at least one, maybe two more. I don't know that we qualify to adopt right now financially through LDS social services, and I know we can not afford adoption elsewhere at this point. We have decided though that we do not wish to try IVF any time in the foreseeable future, if at all. We just don't feel we should head in that direction. So our options are: wait for months or years and hope, adopt, or do the last cycle of IUI. I guess I can update it at that point when we decide.
Meanwhile, to keep the happy thoughts and not focus on not getting pregnant, I came up with a list of what fun not being pregnant can be. There are many things I enjoy that I can't do while pregnant :
Eat sushi (sashimi), ride any ride at the amusement park I want, waterslides galore, I can still jump, I am not going to feel like I have the flu the next 3 months, I don't have to try and find long shirts that fit, I can enjoy cheese (ha ha didn't get that priveledge while pregnant with Matthew), I can clean without getting tired, and when we move I will be able to pack and lift. These are just some fun things, but one major thing I have always been worried about is getting post partum depression again. It was definatly one of the most trying times of my life, and I'm sure my hubbies. I remember wanting to love my baby so bad, but could not feel it for the longest time. I didn't really want anything to do with him. I remember being super tired all the time and not having energy to do anything (I know this comes with sleep deprevation also). I was easily angered, my emotions ran crazy. It was not a fun time in my life. It lasted like this for six months, and very slowly got better until month 10 when I finally finally felt normal. However, to have one more child I would be willing to go through it again (I think! ;) ). I would be able to prepare more now for this possibility before a little one came though.
So anyway, for now, we are trying to pray for direction and enjoy Matthew. It has been a privilege to spend this much time with him one on one. I have loved it. I have loved watching him grow and develop. As much as I want a child, I would not trade the time we've been given for anything. I think it was extremely important that we had time to bond after my bout with postpartum. It was after that I really developed a love and closeness to him, more than I imagined possible. We've also been able to do so many fun things as a family, and its been much easier with only one, I'm sure. So I guess however you look at it, we've been blessed. Some of our fun adventures
So on to whatever the next step will be....
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Tis the end of our journey...
So as of now we have not found out anything about this round of fertility, but either way it goes, we are nearing the end of our journey. Its been a bitter sweet experience. Realizing we are at the end of our journey is difficult. There are still miracles that can occur down the road, I have no doubt, but not sure how long down the road. The journey of infertilty is difficult for any who have had to take it. I talked to many people, heard many struggles, and I ache for them all because I know exactly how it feels. Some have gone on to success, and it is exciting to hear those stories. Others have not had it as easy and its still a daily struggle to find peace in their life. It can be hard to be excited for others when they announce they are pregnant with their first, second, third, etc child. It is easy to wonder, why not me? There are days like that, and many days like that in the beginning. However learning to truly find joy and happiness in the good news of others can bless both lives. I have realized one thing about our journey is my ablility to share my beliefs about God, families, etc with others has become easier because it is such a huge part of my life and how I react to what I'm going through. Its been a blessing to me to share testimony with all people, no matter what their beliefs are, and I am thankful for their respect toward me and my feelings in that aspect, even when their feelings or views may differ. I have loved being able to share my feelings, and things I know and love freely. Despite everything, God has been our support and I am greatful. I have always loved Proverbs 3:5-6 (in the Bible).
The next few weeks will either be more joyful than I can now imagine, or one of those few very painful experiences I have had in my life. That's just how it is, its life. Life was not meant to be easy. But eventually God will get us through whatever our upcoming experiences will be.
I say to all the others out there in our same situation...hope on! There is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel, keep on walking , you'll find it. It might be in a different place or form in your life than you expected, but its there .:)
It may be a while before I post again at either rate, but I wanted to write a concluding statement, at least as far as this phase in our life goes.
The next few weeks will either be more joyful than I can now imagine, or one of those few very painful experiences I have had in my life. That's just how it is, its life. Life was not meant to be easy. But eventually God will get us through whatever our upcoming experiences will be.
I say to all the others out there in our same situation...hope on! There is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel, keep on walking , you'll find it. It might be in a different place or form in your life than you expected, but its there .:)
It may be a while before I post again at either rate, but I wanted to write a concluding statement, at least as far as this phase in our life goes.
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