The Real Decision

Okay, yes this is a random picture, taken when we went to Waterton Park.  If you have never heard of it, it is in Canada, and the deer come super close to people.  I love the peacefulness of this picture, and its never a bad idea to reflect on peacefulness. :)

On to the annoucement you've been waiting for (anixously I'm sure).  As we said, we looked into everything including IVF, adoption through LDS family services, and foster care/foster to adoption.   We have thought about foster care a lot, and had looked into it last summer. At that time, we didn't feel the timing was right.  We looked into it again recently and talked with many people who have done it/ are doing it.  It is extremly difficult at times for most, but has been a blessing for them as well.  That would be the cheapest/easiest way to get children here, however, we have again decided we will wait on that.

 As we studied adoption it turned out to be much more expensive then we thought it would be.  We thought about birth mothers and who they might choose.  I am guessing that most would not choose a family who already has a kid already that barely makes it financially at the moment, who has a husband still in school.  I'm sure if they really felt it was right, they would place, but overall I would guess not so much. We talked with many people who did not like the way LDS services operated, as they want you to do a lot of the work.  In spite of this, we started the paperwork and went to the orientation.  When I got out of the orientation I felt a huge weight put on my shoulders, the whole day was a bit disheartening.  As we started paperwork, we didn't feel bad about it, but not super excited about adopting at this  time either.

It was then we reluctantly looked into IVF on a serious note.  As I have mentioned previously, we had two huge concerns, health and money.   We had scheduled a visit with Doc. Foulk two months ago. Michael had been wanting to cancel it, since it was just more money and we didn't want to do IVF. I felt we should at least get educated about all our options.  We were a bit discouraged at this point, but went in anyway.  We talked to him, and he answered all our questions about health issues and what studies have been done, and assured us that most always it turns out fine.  We seriously love this guy! He is patient, answered every question we had, didn't rush us at all, made us feel completely comfortable, etc.  We really feel he is in this profession not only to make money, but to genuinely help. He really is concerned about others, and it shows.  After meeting with him, we took home a packet of information to read.  As we have talked to others who have done IVF, we have gradually changed our minds, and have felt that we need to do everything in our power to try to have one "on our own"  (in our case IVF).  We don't know that it will work. The doctor thinks we will have an 85% chance of getting pregnant if the water ultrasound goes well (which it should since I've been pregnant twice) . The only "wild card" would be if my eggs were not good at all.  He would say it would be rare before 40ish, but can't not discount it completely.

Only two obstacles would stand in the way as we see it, however, we are bound and determined to overcome those. The first one is relatively easy....kind of.  IVF success rates drop dramatically around age 38.  I am not quite 38 yet, but I am on the downhill slope. My age starts the downhill success  rate...yep.   This may mean more medication, which means more money, or trying more than once. It also means the sooner we go ahead the better. Our second obstacle, as you may have guess is money.  With Michael making under 22,000 a year the sum of 14,000 give or take seems impossible.  However, we will not be frightened by mere numbers...well, we might be a bit, but we will do everything in our power to pay for this.  One thing the doctor mention was his facility will give a 25% discount on their services to certain couples who apply, who the committee deems as "in need."  This would be a huge help. It would only save us about 2,500-3,000 but I will definitely take it!  We will be gathering all the information we need and apply shortly.  However, it could take a month or two before we hear back.  Other ideas include the 5K race August 30th, its a while to wait, but it is a drawing for two couples to have a free IVF cycle or 5,000 toward a cycle.  The more people who race with you, the better your chances. I almost want to do this regardless because I strongly believe in supporting infertile couples! I also have never run a 5K, so it would be an adventure right? Other ways we are looking into finances are to cut back in anyway we can (there isn't much we can do there, but there is always something.  We do have some savings to put toward IVF, but there is no way it will cover it all with what we are able to put toward it. We would also need a bit if a baby arrived, I'm sure for bills, etc.  A bit worried about finances, but praying that the Lord will guide us and help us with ideas of how to use our money effectively to meet our goals.  We feel we can do this. We have also looked online to find grants/scholarships, but so far not much luck. We will keep looking.  If any of you have great ideas, let us know. I am super tired and this is super long, so so long! I am going to bed!  LETS GO IVF, WE GOT THIS!

decision....

We think we have reached a decision. We will let you know that very soon. I think we are going to do a bit more reading and a bit of praying to make sure...tune in soon for a decision on the direction we are headed!!

some recent thoughts...

Michael and I decided if we ever get enough money that we have extra to spare we want to do like a "fertility scholarship" thing for someone who could really use the help once a year, or at least  once in our life. Of course we don't have that type of money right now, but its a cause we firmly believe in, helping others get their families here.  That is our goal to one day be able to do that for someone,especially if insurance will not help a ton.  I am happy the bill passed in Utah enabling some help with fertility.  I'm assuming its not much and under certain circumstance and with a limit.  I have a hard time understanding all that legislation.   We were both talking about how neat it would be!!

Also, just talking with so many people about the different roads they have traveled to get their children is so neat.  Most have already gotten their children, some have not been able to yet. Whether it was through foster to adoption, regular adoption, or IVF cycle, each story is unique, and its amazing to see their families grow and the love and testimonies they have shared with us.  The Lord has his hand in it, even though the way for some couples seems to grow more difficult. Many families have been blessed miraculously with beautiful children. Each story has been a miracle--and I am glad these children have come to bless the lives of those families.

I was reading an old article in the ensign (a lds magazine). It talked about infertility. One lady said she was so annoyed that people would get up in meetings and say "i'm so grateful heavenly father trusted me enough to send me this baby."  It would really hurt her because she would question, is she trusted?  I can totally understand that. There was a time that I may have felt that way, and maybe on a  bad day I still might.  As I read that, however, I thought, perhaps the Lord trusts me with the trial of infertility.  Not that its something I want, nor that he wanted to "punish" me with, but He trusts me with it. He trusts me to be a light to others.  He trusts me to buoy others up going through the same situation.  He trusts me to be compassionate.  He trusts me to be a friend. He trusts me to speak out.  He trusts me to spread hope.  He trusts me to do the best I can.   And yes, He definitely trusts me.

No sleepy sleepy anywhere!

Okay so this has nothing to do with fertility, just decided I might occasionally post something else from time to time since there may not be much to post in that area for a while. :).

Matthew--he never sleeps. Never. Nope, not ever.  Well, okay sometimes, but not often--or so it seems.  Since he was born we have been getting up with him at night (meaning pretty much I have).  He goes to bed really well, although he is starting to get a hang of the fine art of stalling.  He has the rountine and goes to bed about 8:30 by the time he is sleeping.  Then he is up at 1 or 2 then again about 4 and up for the day at 6:30 or 7:30 depending on how lucky I am. 

Now when he wakes he just sits in his room saying "mommy, mommy, mommy" until I answer him.  If I go in and tuck him back in, leave, and he goes to sleep I count that as a lucky night!  Or on a rare occasion that he wakes only once!  (You people with kids who have slept through the night since they were babies consider yourself highly blessed!)  If I do not go in, he will come and jump in our bed. Arg!  Love to cuddle with the kid, but he is the wiggliest sleeper there ever was. I end up only getting about 8 inches max to "sleep" on.  Super restful, I assure you.  Ha ha.  I usually end up taking him back in his bed when this happens and "sleeping" with him until he falls alseep.  Last night that happened at about 2 am...I took him back to bed, layed with him; he was breathing as he was sleeping so I got up and went to bed, five minutes later "mommy, mommy, mommy." For the love!  Did the rountine again, went back to bed, same senario.  I tell Michael "seriously, this kid is going to be the death of me!" After the third time he actually went to sleep. Can I get a loud THANK HEAVENS!! Yes, a very tired mama today.

We have tried it all at one time or another, ignoring him, white noise, simply yelling to the other room "its not morning yet, go back to bed!", getting him up to try to potty, a sip of milk, you name it. We've even asked the doctor for advice.  We've read books galore. We thought it was due to having upstairs neighbors, but they moved out two months ago and it hasn't changed.  The funny thing is I had a preschool child who did this same thing that I taught years ago. I was like what? Thats crazy. I had absolutely no advice to give them either. Somehow the parents must be contributing to that (although their other children slept through the night).  Never imagined it would be here under my own roof. Alas, it is.

However, I know that this one tired mama will miss it one of these days.  She will miss that little boy who would climb into her bed, miss that sweet boy yelling Mommy, mommy, mommy.  Why?  One day he will grow up and grow out of this, and one day he won't need his mama quite as much, and I'm sure, as mothers with older children can atest, I will miss it and almost wish for it back...almost.  So seize the day! Enjoy life, and my little sleeping angel.  Good night sweetheart....

As proof to his credit, once every three or four months, he does nap.. ha ha.

Where we are headed...

You wanted the answer to that, didn't you?  Well you aren't going to get anything out of us quite yet. More like we still don't have the answers. We have actually started paperwork with LDS family services on adoption, however we still don't know if that is right for us right now.  After adding up potential cost it could add up to as much as an IVF cycle if you are chosen to adopt. (although there is a tax credit for it).  We thought the 4,000 they advertised online was it with travel fees.  We were very wrong.   LDS family services does not have many people who love it.  I more so hear people that they did that and they are done and glad. The big complaint is they expect you to do pretty much everything then sit back and wait for years.  My concern about going with them is having a husband who is still in school, not making a super desirable wage.  I know that if the girl really felt it was right to place with our family it would still happen. Most I would think would prefer a family done with school and a good job. I would if I were in their shoes. There are currently 607 waiting families, and no where near that of mothers who actually place.

We have also been looking into IVF, and actually considering it.  That's a whole lot of progress, seeing as though we were extremely against it in the beginning.  We are talking to others who have been through the process. Most however, do not have a successful first time around it seems.  We do know one lady who got pregnant the first time, but that is out of 6 or 7 people we personally know who have done it. Many getting pregnant on third or fourth tries.  Costs very, but seem to average around 14,000 somewhere. (about 3/4 of our year's salary right now!)  Extremely expensive if you do it more than once.  More than 1,000 a month if you want to look at it that way.  We have heard about grants to cover some of those costs and are looking into that. Also we have found out more about the medication, and yes there is a lot. Tons more than with IUI.  Lots and lots of shots. :(.  I am not a fan of those since often I have a reaction because of the alcohol mixing with the hormone or something like that.  I guess I just have to wait a bit longer for it to dry.

We have also looked into Foster/foster to adoption. This is probably the "easiest, quickest, cheapest" way to get a baby. However, the goal is to get the children back in their own homes.  Not quite as many people have done this.  Like I have said before, my concern in my 3 year old would have a hard time understanding if we had to give his baby that has been in his home back.  I think we also might have a hard time with that where we want one of our own, and would love whoever came as our own. Michael and I realize foster care can be super hard, but also worth it for that one child you help see what life can be like.  We have talked about doing this one day early in our marriage. Its still on the table, but might not be right now.  I think I would like to wait for Matthew to be a bit older, but it is an option in the future for sure.

So anyway...yep. That's all I really have to say.  I definitely feel the pressure now, realizing this is not going to be easy, whatever road we take.   I also feel pressure from knowing that we really don't have money to do any of this.  Really.  We do have some savings still, but only a few thousand to put toward anything, if that. The rest we are actually using to live on combined with Michael's salary until he gets out of school.   This means, one, we really have to choose carefully as we will only get one shot at whatever we decide to do, and two, we have to figure out how in the world we can save money for this.  If you have amazing ideas, let us know! 

"And..we did wait in these difficult circumstances for the space of many months..." (felt that went very well with this post, although taken completly out of context. Alma 58:7)

adoption

We went to the adoption orientation today.  Wow is all I can say.  The reason is say that is I realized it is complicated to adopt, but boy it is much more complicated than I realized.   No wonder it takes 6-12 months to even get your application to the point where you can be considered approved to adopt.  We were the only ones in the orientation so it was a little bit weird, but we could ask anything we wanted to.  You have to start at LDS services by going to this meeting and documenting infertility.  Then once you do you can send in an application and they will meet  with you. If everything is satisfactory then you pay 1,000 (which counts towards the last of the adoption, but its non refundable should you change your mind, or your situation changes and you no longer qualify or never get matched up for any reason).   Then you have many more things to do, like find a lawyer, home studies, interviews, bishop recommendations, training that has to be complete, etc.  I don't even remember everything.  It is  cheaper though then other options out there, however, it can still go up to 10,000 and that's probably on the low end, which is about where we'd be.  They do group meetings once a month so you can get to know other people and be able to discuss your feelings/situations with others in the same boat.  These are optional.  The more involved the better though.

So its pretty intense, and we were a bit overwhelmed by all the information at once. I guess it is good for people to know what they are getting into.  The lady we met with was a bit odd.  She was nice, but she came across as talking to us like we were little kids whenever she told us things we shouldn't do in the process. She would shake her finger and say "no, don't do it..nope, never do it" in a talking to kid tone.  She is not the lady we will go through the process with though so its fine, but it was weird.

We are not sure what road we will pursue.  We don't want to sit idol, yet either way seems complicated and super expensive.  We have some concerns about adoption.   I'm not sure if we have the funds.  If you are under poverty level (which we defiantly are) it takes special approval.  In that case, my guess is they would approve us, but not fully until Michael actually got a nursing job.  Also, I'm not sure if they would approve a home study where we are right now.  They look at safety (which on most things we are fine with) and cleanliness, those types of things. Generally takes an hour .  However, we are pretty squished in our place and things like our closets are stacked bottom to top with boxes, stroller,swings, other big baby items that we would want to keep which they could deem a safety hazard because of the possibility of opening closet doors and things falling on you. Not sure that's a safety hazard but perhaps.   Plus I don't know if there is a space requirement. We only have two bedrooms here, and a small apartment.  In fact, if we had another baby ourselves, we would want to move to a bigger place since I don't think we would fit.  We don't want to do that now though because we get such a great deal on rent here and she never raises rent once you move in. We've lived here almost 4 years so rent is looking better and better once we look around. It fits our income where we are at now.

Anyway, i'm sure that was lots of unnecessary information, but I am trying to get a grip on everything in my own head as we figure out which course to take.  Looking at the reality of our choices I defiantly feel a heavier burden than I have previously.  I'm sure once we make a choice and head straight for it, it will be better.  Until then my head I'm sure will be spinning...so we could still use your prayers. :)

What's next?

That's the big question, right? Well, it still is the question.  We have made no firm decision, except we have decided to explore both our options.  The first thing we have done is to set up an appointment with the fertility doctor just to see what he says and learn more details about IVF just so we can be aware and have more information.  Like I said before, we have been leaning toward adoption; however, that could change. We will go to an adoption information session hopefully this next week, but if not it will be in April since they only do it once a month. It is mandatory before thinking of starting any paperwork.  We feel it will be best to be as well educated as possible on both so we can make a good decision. By the way, if any of you have experience with either of these we would love to hear what you went through and feelings and expenses along the way! (you can message me individually if you would like)

We realize it may be quite a while before we get another child.  It could be months to years no matter what we choose.  I am not super excited about that wait. I always wanted siblings that were close so they could be good friends, share secrets, watch out for each other, etc.  However, that isn't how life is turning out, and that's okay. Its not the way we want it, but its what we have been given. We can either find a way to rejoice in what we have already, or crumple under the pain, and you defiantly could crumple.  We choose to rejoice. Its not always easy.  I really wish Matthew could have a sibling so he would have another playmate other than myself.  I'm sure he gets quite bored with me some days. I wish he had someone to tease, fight with, and learn to share with other than myself. Even so , we have been so blessed.  Matthew right now is in a "hugging, I love you" stage. I am loving it.  He will come up randomly several times a day and say "I love you!" and give a huge hug.  I am loving the one on one time I have to develop a deep and meaningful relationship and really get to know him.  I also love that right now we have so much freedom as a small family that we can up and go  somewhere whenever we chose since there are only 3 people to consider at this point in time.  Michael and I sure love to get out and play, that's for sure!

Why Did This Happen to Me? by Ray Pritchard. He says: “Sometimes we will face things for which there is no earthly explanation. In those moments we need to erect a sign that reads, ‘Quiet: God at Work.’ Meanwhile, hold on, child of God. Keep believing. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Let God do His work in you. The greatest tragedy is to miss what God wants to teach us through our troubles.”

There is always something to be gained or learned through struggles.  You may not see if until years down the road.  Michael and I have seen so many of these times in our lives and sometimes, not until years later did we understand. One thing I do understand, God's timing is perfect, and so much better than mine.  I hope each of you who struggle with infertility or whatever else you may be struggling with, that one day you will find the peace you so desire. God bless you!