just thinking

Random thoughts today.  It took us a while to get Matthew here. It took us four years (by the time he is here) to get a second.  Most of the first year after Matthew birth I was dealing with a pretty mean post patrum depression so we were not trying at that point, just trying to get me back to a normal state of mind and being able to take care of myself and the baby I had.  Second year and few months was full of trying and testing to no avail.  The third year after that was tons of medical treatments, thousands of dollars, a miscarriage, and a D&C.  Fourth year starting out with another failed treatment, talking to the doctor about further treatment, a suprise pregnancy and hopefully a healthy baby in the end.  We still have no completed this segment, and there are no guarantees, but so far so good. :)
As I was reflecting and looking back I thought wow, I really have not had to go through as much as some other friends. I've known people who have had to wait 8 to 11 years for a second child. I've known people who have done all the treatments possible and are still waiting to adopt.  I've known people with multiple miscarriages. There are the friends that still don't have answers.  Looking back I can see my journey to a second, as painful and seemingly long as it was going through it, was short and easier compared to some.   Really, we have been blessed.  The journey was not as long as it seemed, and we are extremely happy with two. If we get another, wonderful. If we don't we, will feel  blessed with two.  And I'm greatful....

latest visit--short update

All is well. The baby is moving a ton, has a normal heartbeat.  We showed up for our appointment that morning and they were about 40 minutes behind.  We had  dentist appointment right after the OB so we had to ask the nurse to reschedule us since we don't want to wait another month or so for the dentist. I was bummed that we might not get the check up in. Thankfully they took us in right before the afternoon appointments started later that day.  I will have another check up in 3 weeks, since we were a  week late because of our vacation.  I get to do the glucose test. I have heard horror stories about how the stuff tastes, but I don't remember having any issues with that the first time around.  It didn't taste wonderful but I wasn't going to gag either.  Anyway, not much new.  Feet and hands have begun swelling so that's never pleasant but other than that we are both doing okay :)

You heard the news...

So most of you know its a boy, and although it would be fun to have a girl to dress up and buy cute things for we are super super excited to have another boy! It will be fun for Matthew to have a brother, and it will be much easier on the pocketbook as well! We did not do the test screening.  We were so stressed out that month, we did not want to add extra stress at the time.  However, on the ultrasound there were no signs of any abnormalities.  The baby looked and measured healthy in every way.  She said that it is not definite until the baby is born, but no signs, and we are not worried.  What we were most happy about was everything measured perfect, we measured right on our date, and baby seems very healthy.  It was a little quiet, not moving a ton, but was moving a lot before we went. I have been feeling the baby for about 3 weeks, but the doctor said it may be awhile before Michael feels it because my placenta is in the front, so the kicks are pretty cushioned.  We have a follow up appointment with our OB on thurs, and  I think that will be relativly short as they just go over the results, which the doctor already went over with us at the hospital.  The cool thing is they gave us a CD video of the whole thing :)  So anyway, super happy, enjoy some pictures:

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little foot

baby had legs crossed almost the whole time, we were lucky to figure out what he was!

Week 15

Took Matthew to the doctors with us.  We told him he would be hearing the babies heartbeat.  He still does not completly understand I'm sure, but he's excited.  It took the doctor a bit to find the heartbeat, she expected it to be a bit lower, but baby was hiding up on the top right side.  The heartbeat was good, about 168 beats a minute. That is right where it is supposed to be.  I decided not to do the quad test, that predicts percentage that you might have a child with a problem.  With the stress of finding a new car that is actually in our price range, and michael having time to look for one..haha (since ours was totaled when someone ran into michael), michael gone a lot more (at least 6 days a week for 12 to 14 hours a day, not including homework..sure some of you know how that goes),  and me trying to put some finishing touches on a stake activity that I'm partially in charge of, we decided the stress of extra possible worry would not be needed. We decided if they see anything weird on the ultrasound we will do other testing at that time.  Until then we've got enough on our plate, and by then some of these other things will fizzle out.  Other than that things are looking good.
I was over morning sickness about week 12, and have been feeling much better, although still a bit tired since Matthew still wakes up at least once at night.  I hope one day that will change!  However, I am glad I feeling well enough to walk about 1/2 hour or so since I don't have a car right now.  This is good :). 

feelings of our journey

So, getting pregnant again on our basically has led me to ask myself some questions.  We know we have definate issues getting pregnant. The first time it took 1 1/2 years at least, then second time took us about 2 years (the miscarriage during treatments) and to get pregnant on our own again took about 3 years of total trying (1 year after miscarriage almost exactly).  Questions of: Are we really infertile? Apparently we can get pregnant on our own it just takes years for us.  Was it worth it, everything we have done?  Why did we have to use thousands from our savings when barely making it every month?  Did we need just a little more patience?

Well, I don't have all the answers.  However, I do have some. Would I go through this again?  Absolutely.  That is not to say I enjoyed this experience. It is not to say I enjoyed using all that money from savings.  I would never wish anyone go through this; the hormones treatments, the multiple doctor visits each month, the heartache of not getting pregnant month after month, the heartache of miscarriage, the wonder will I ever have what I desire more than anything else? My heart breaks for the many who continue to have to take this journey. 

I have learned though. I have learned to rely on my little family. I have learned to really appreciate them, the fact that they are here with me.  I have never stopped being incredible grateful for our first little miracle.  I cherish him so much more than if it would have been easy.  Everyday of struggle I held him just a little closer because I never knew what the next day might bring.  We never know how long we will get with him.  I enjoyed him. I enjoyed everything about him. We had lots of time together. I really got to know him with no other distractions.  I enjoyed our family time. We were able to have a lot of fun the last three years.  We have had lots of joy and lots of tears. We've seen the hand of God in our lives. We've become closer, to each other, to God.

I have learned compassion.  This one is big for me.  It is so easy to wonder why a couple does not have children.  "They would make great parents" or "Why are they waiting so long to have another" or "Are they going to start trying yet?" I probably did before going through all this.  Its a different story now.  No judgement left.  I am willing to listen and feel what the other person is really going through. I am totally willing to cry with someone, to hug them and say I can't take this away but I can be the shoulder to cry on, be the ear to hear.  I am able to more fully understand what it is to want something so much, yet have that denied time after time.  I get it. There are so many, so many afraid to share what they are feeling, what is going on in this very personal area of their lives. I hope one day they are able to, there are so many willing to love and support them. And if you feel like you have no one, well, you have this gal right here!

 Although I wish never to go through all this again, and I would love to have back the thousands we have spent (you know that would be helpful!), I am glad for the experience.  I would not change it. I grew.  I learned to deeply love, and I learned to have sincere compassion.  In the end, its all been worth it. Very worth it.

Visit three...

We went to the regular OB today for a first visit.  Surprisingly they also did an ultrasound, he didn't give us pictures it was just a quick check of heartbeat.  I wasn't expecting that. They again changed my due date to Nov 30th. At this point I don't really care what it is, it is the weekend of Thanksgiving, that much hasn't changed.  They decided to change it based on last period and cycle vs. measurements like the fertility doctor did.
The heart beat is good though, still kicking.  :).  We won't have another appointment until June 9th, so in five weeks.  The doc said by that time I will be 15 weeks, we can do the blood test at the same time to check for chromosomal abnormalities. We didn't even do that last time, but when a patient is 35 they want to do it since chances of that start going up at 35.  I would rather wait until a baby is born and deal with it then. However, if there was some type of thing that the doctors would need to do an emergency surgery or something when the child was born , or having a possibility of doing that, that may be good to know so they can prepare what they need to.  It will be a incredibly long five weeks I'm sure!  So far still sick most days, however, the intensity of it is easing up at least.  Hoping it won't be too much longer. With Matthew I was sick until week 14, so I am hoping for the same (or earlier, I'd take that too!). He said we will do a 15 week appointment then a 20 week appointment, so we will keep you updated when those happen.We are feeling much more confident, though we are not out of the woods yet.  Thanks for your continued support and prayers, it means a lot!

 [this sentence has nothing to do with pregnancy.  I love looking back on what I've written and seeing incomplete sentences, improper punctuation, etc.; however I'm just too lazy to change it so for those of you English majors out there I apologize. I know its painful ;) ]

The work in progress....

Good news!  We went in for our ultrasound today and baby is healthy and happy.  Well, at least has a good heart beat right now and is super super wiggly! It was so neat to see, I don't think I ever saw Matthew move that much in an ultrasound.  I am utterly amazed at how a small embryo develops.  How in the world do all those cells just know what to become and work together?  Definatly a work of God.  Its  a miracle every time. Here are a few pictures. (Sorry they are kind of crooked, I'm new to this scanning thing)

Little one measuring just a bit under an inch

little hands by the face

actual size in the uterus

We are 9 1/2 weeks so we "graduated" from the fertility center, which means no more progesterone supplements (yeah :) ). I was having a hard time remembering those lately. I never forgot, just almost.  My morning sickness has calmed a bit. Its still there for sure, but its much tamer, at least it has seemed so the last week and a half.   This is a picture of our congrats card from the office.   We will be seeing a regular OB next week for an initial appointment.



Doctor called this a rebound pregnancy. He said that it is a possibility that because it was only two months out some of the hormones were still there from the treatments that gave us an extra boost.  Whether or not that is the case I think Heavenly Father definitely had a part in this little miracle.  It is absolute perfect timing, ending close to when Michael's biggest break in school is.  He will have four weeks off school a week after the due date. With a possibility of post partum again, we could not have planned that better.  After nearly three years we are so happy to get started on this journey and hope all continues to go well.  Due date Nov 28. Matthew will just have turned four :).

We pray for those of you still trying. Three years is a short time compared to the time others wait to start their families.  Our hearts go out to you and are with you.  We love you!!

We also thank  you all for your continued support! That has also been a huge blessing to us!!!