feelings of our journey

So, getting pregnant again on our basically has led me to ask myself some questions.  We know we have definate issues getting pregnant. The first time it took 1 1/2 years at least, then second time took us about 2 years (the miscarriage during treatments) and to get pregnant on our own again took about 3 years of total trying (1 year after miscarriage almost exactly).  Questions of: Are we really infertile? Apparently we can get pregnant on our own it just takes years for us.  Was it worth it, everything we have done?  Why did we have to use thousands from our savings when barely making it every month?  Did we need just a little more patience?

Well, I don't have all the answers.  However, I do have some. Would I go through this again?  Absolutely.  That is not to say I enjoyed this experience. It is not to say I enjoyed using all that money from savings.  I would never wish anyone go through this; the hormones treatments, the multiple doctor visits each month, the heartache of not getting pregnant month after month, the heartache of miscarriage, the wonder will I ever have what I desire more than anything else? My heart breaks for the many who continue to have to take this journey. 

I have learned though. I have learned to rely on my little family. I have learned to really appreciate them, the fact that they are here with me.  I have never stopped being incredible grateful for our first little miracle.  I cherish him so much more than if it would have been easy.  Everyday of struggle I held him just a little closer because I never knew what the next day might bring.  We never know how long we will get with him.  I enjoyed him. I enjoyed everything about him. We had lots of time together. I really got to know him with no other distractions.  I enjoyed our family time. We were able to have a lot of fun the last three years.  We have had lots of joy and lots of tears. We've seen the hand of God in our lives. We've become closer, to each other, to God.

I have learned compassion.  This one is big for me.  It is so easy to wonder why a couple does not have children.  "They would make great parents" or "Why are they waiting so long to have another" or "Are they going to start trying yet?" I probably did before going through all this.  Its a different story now.  No judgement left.  I am willing to listen and feel what the other person is really going through. I am totally willing to cry with someone, to hug them and say I can't take this away but I can be the shoulder to cry on, be the ear to hear.  I am able to more fully understand what it is to want something so much, yet have that denied time after time.  I get it. There are so many, so many afraid to share what they are feeling, what is going on in this very personal area of their lives. I hope one day they are able to, there are so many willing to love and support them. And if you feel like you have no one, well, you have this gal right here!

 Although I wish never to go through all this again, and I would love to have back the thousands we have spent (you know that would be helpful!), I am glad for the experience.  I would not change it. I grew.  I learned to deeply love, and I learned to have sincere compassion.  In the end, its all been worth it. Very worth it.