feelings of our journey

So, getting pregnant again on our basically has led me to ask myself some questions.  We know we have definate issues getting pregnant. The first time it took 1 1/2 years at least, then second time took us about 2 years (the miscarriage during treatments) and to get pregnant on our own again took about 3 years of total trying (1 year after miscarriage almost exactly).  Questions of: Are we really infertile? Apparently we can get pregnant on our own it just takes years for us.  Was it worth it, everything we have done?  Why did we have to use thousands from our savings when barely making it every month?  Did we need just a little more patience?

Well, I don't have all the answers.  However, I do have some. Would I go through this again?  Absolutely.  That is not to say I enjoyed this experience. It is not to say I enjoyed using all that money from savings.  I would never wish anyone go through this; the hormones treatments, the multiple doctor visits each month, the heartache of not getting pregnant month after month, the heartache of miscarriage, the wonder will I ever have what I desire more than anything else? My heart breaks for the many who continue to have to take this journey. 

I have learned though. I have learned to rely on my little family. I have learned to really appreciate them, the fact that they are here with me.  I have never stopped being incredible grateful for our first little miracle.  I cherish him so much more than if it would have been easy.  Everyday of struggle I held him just a little closer because I never knew what the next day might bring.  We never know how long we will get with him.  I enjoyed him. I enjoyed everything about him. We had lots of time together. I really got to know him with no other distractions.  I enjoyed our family time. We were able to have a lot of fun the last three years.  We have had lots of joy and lots of tears. We've seen the hand of God in our lives. We've become closer, to each other, to God.

I have learned compassion.  This one is big for me.  It is so easy to wonder why a couple does not have children.  "They would make great parents" or "Why are they waiting so long to have another" or "Are they going to start trying yet?" I probably did before going through all this.  Its a different story now.  No judgement left.  I am willing to listen and feel what the other person is really going through. I am totally willing to cry with someone, to hug them and say I can't take this away but I can be the shoulder to cry on, be the ear to hear.  I am able to more fully understand what it is to want something so much, yet have that denied time after time.  I get it. There are so many, so many afraid to share what they are feeling, what is going on in this very personal area of their lives. I hope one day they are able to, there are so many willing to love and support them. And if you feel like you have no one, well, you have this gal right here!

 Although I wish never to go through all this again, and I would love to have back the thousands we have spent (you know that would be helpful!), I am glad for the experience.  I would not change it. I grew.  I learned to deeply love, and I learned to have sincere compassion.  In the end, its all been worth it. Very worth it.

Visit three...

We went to the regular OB today for a first visit.  Surprisingly they also did an ultrasound, he didn't give us pictures it was just a quick check of heartbeat.  I wasn't expecting that. They again changed my due date to Nov 30th. At this point I don't really care what it is, it is the weekend of Thanksgiving, that much hasn't changed.  They decided to change it based on last period and cycle vs. measurements like the fertility doctor did.
The heart beat is good though, still kicking.  :).  We won't have another appointment until June 9th, so in five weeks.  The doc said by that time I will be 15 weeks, we can do the blood test at the same time to check for chromosomal abnormalities. We didn't even do that last time, but when a patient is 35 they want to do it since chances of that start going up at 35.  I would rather wait until a baby is born and deal with it then. However, if there was some type of thing that the doctors would need to do an emergency surgery or something when the child was born , or having a possibility of doing that, that may be good to know so they can prepare what they need to.  It will be a incredibly long five weeks I'm sure!  So far still sick most days, however, the intensity of it is easing up at least.  Hoping it won't be too much longer. With Matthew I was sick until week 14, so I am hoping for the same (or earlier, I'd take that too!). He said we will do a 15 week appointment then a 20 week appointment, so we will keep you updated when those happen.We are feeling much more confident, though we are not out of the woods yet.  Thanks for your continued support and prayers, it means a lot!

 [this sentence has nothing to do with pregnancy.  I love looking back on what I've written and seeing incomplete sentences, improper punctuation, etc.; however I'm just too lazy to change it so for those of you English majors out there I apologize. I know its painful ;) ]

The work in progress....

Good news!  We went in for our ultrasound today and baby is healthy and happy.  Well, at least has a good heart beat right now and is super super wiggly! It was so neat to see, I don't think I ever saw Matthew move that much in an ultrasound.  I am utterly amazed at how a small embryo develops.  How in the world do all those cells just know what to become and work together?  Definatly a work of God.  Its  a miracle every time. Here are a few pictures. (Sorry they are kind of crooked, I'm new to this scanning thing)

Little one measuring just a bit under an inch

little hands by the face

actual size in the uterus

We are 9 1/2 weeks so we "graduated" from the fertility center, which means no more progesterone supplements (yeah :) ). I was having a hard time remembering those lately. I never forgot, just almost.  My morning sickness has calmed a bit. Its still there for sure, but its much tamer, at least it has seemed so the last week and a half.   This is a picture of our congrats card from the office.   We will be seeing a regular OB next week for an initial appointment.



Doctor called this a rebound pregnancy. He said that it is a possibility that because it was only two months out some of the hormones were still there from the treatments that gave us an extra boost.  Whether or not that is the case I think Heavenly Father definitely had a part in this little miracle.  It is absolute perfect timing, ending close to when Michael's biggest break in school is.  He will have four weeks off school a week after the due date. With a possibility of post partum again, we could not have planned that better.  After nearly three years we are so happy to get started on this journey and hope all continues to go well.  Due date Nov 28. Matthew will just have turned four :).

We pray for those of you still trying. Three years is a short time compared to the time others wait to start their families.  Our hearts go out to you and are with you.  We love you!!

We also thank  you all for your continued support! That has also been a huge blessing to us!!!

Nothing much

Have not decided what I'd rather be...super tired, feeling as though a train ran over me, or lying on the couch all day feeling like I have the stomach flu.  I am definitely morning sick, and no more worries, its everyday! (good and bad).  I have tried all the natural remedies and nothing really works at all for me.  I have tried the wristbands, ginger stuff, B6, ginger ale (which does work for a while, but I don't like drinking pop in the first place so drinking it multiple times a day is awful), sucking on candy (which will work for a small while as well) and anything else I've read about.  None of it works for long.  My doctor gave me some pills to try at home. They completely keep the morning sickness away, they are amazing. However, the side effect is drowsiness. This side affect hits me hard! Seriously it is super hard just to pull myself off the couch and walk around.   I feel like I haven't slept in a few days.  I tried driving once and I was so sleepy I almost feel asleep at a red light!  Not good.  So I decided to only take it occasionally when I am so sick of being sick that I need a break for a day.  Blah.  Anyway, I can't complain too much because hopefully it means the pregnancy is going well.  However, I gotta say I can't wait for these next six weeks to pass by as soon as possible so I can have an appetite again. Lately nothing sounds good to eat, so I have to force myself to eat something anyway.  Anyway...the joys of pregnancy...so glad I'm here!

The story continues...

This past couples weeks has been a bit up and down while waiting for the ultrasound, I'm not going to lie.  The last I posted I was feeling really sick again, well the next day I woke up completely fine.  This continued for another few days.  It worries me because with Matthew I got sick starting week 6, and was sick everyday until 14 weeks.  Also, on Thursday I started to spot a little bit. I was a bit nervous but by the afternoon it was gone.  Friday night I had terrible cramps, much worse then I've ever remembered having before.  They only lasted about fifteen minutes and started going away with tylenol.  At this point with the cramps, spotting and the fact I had and no sickness I was getting a bit worried.  The next day, however, sickness returned very slightly, and it made me feel much better as far as miscarriage possibility went.   Today was the awaited ultrasound. I was a little more optimistic about this one then I was with the one I miscarried.  We are happy to announce that there is a good strong heartbeat in there!  Phew! We also didn't see the big blood sac that we saw last time and also did not see a huge yolk (good news).  I know we are still in the danger boat, but I'm glad we passed obstacle  number one.  It does put some relief in my mind. Here is a picture of the baby that dosen't look like one yet. :)

They also said it was measuring a bit bigger than my original date of Dec 2.  They said it is measuring 7 weeks 5 days which means the new due date is Nov 26.  We are so thankful for the many prayers that have been said on our behalf.  We have another ultrasound in 2 weeks, so we will update at that time. Thanks for following!

p.s. tonight was Matthew's turn for prayer. We asked him to remember to bless the baby in mommy's tummy.  His prayer "and thank you for the baby blessing that is in mommy's tummy." lol. Little prayers are so cute.

A story you may want to read

Here is a story, not to be shared or talked about on facebook. We will do that when we are ready. However, for our devoted followers on the site you get the privy information.


Tues 3/25
We sat down Tuesday night (3/25) to really figure out our finances, we found we have a grand total of about $300 to contribute to an IVF.  Yep, you read that right, 300.  Pretty much a spec of sand along the seashore.  However, we did find one or two ways we could actually save 30 a month, so not a lot but it will help. Michael also got a 40 cents and hour raise, that could go toward it.   We didn't realize we had so little to put toward it, but was determined.

Yesterday, I was also reading an article from the ensign with a man named Aaron in it (it is also a name we've considered for a baby) and felt briefly a baby would be headed our way.  I didn't dwell on it too much, as it was more like a passing thought.

 I also went shopping at the dollar store  for a few items. I saw some pregnancy tests at the check out counter, and decided to grab a few in case I ever wanted to use them in the future since they go out of stock so fast here!

Wens 3/26

Woke up this morning and was a day late with the monthly cycle, I wasn't panicked because I was two days late the month before.  My schedule has seem to be a bit off or different since stopping the medication and treatments.  I debated using a pregnancy test because I was a day late, but didn't want to waste it.  Then I decided I'd just go ahead cuz then i wouldn't freak out and keep wondering, I'd just know. So I took it.  It came back positive!!!  What?!?  Michael was home and I took it in to him, and we were super happy but not sure we believed it.  We called the doctor and he scheduled a blood pregnancy test that day. It came back positive as well.  I think he also was a bit doubtful so he scheduled another one two days later to make sure the numbers were going up.  They told me to start taking progesterone just in case.  I could not believe it!  After a full year of  unsuccessful treatments, we get pregnant on our own? Are you kidding me?  I'll take it!  We are super worried about affording IVF, and this would be much more affordable, and if it sticks, a definite blessing of God.

Fri 3/28
Took second pregnancy blood test, came back with Hcg 1680 or something like that, which is great!  They say keep taking progesterone.  I have noticed the smells coming strongly and feeling a bit queezy over the smell of meat today.  We hope it lasts! We will have an ultrasound in two and a half weeks to see if this baby is still doing well. I am a bit nervous after our last outcome, but at the moment super excited as well. We are praying for the best, but this is in the Lord's hands no matter what way it goes.


Mon 3/31

Super worried out of my mind!! I was feelings super sick  on friday, and that slowly left and is completely gone. I don't feel any pregnancy symptoms at all, except a little tenderness.  I called the doctor and told them why I was worried (this happened the last time when we miscarried!). I had no bleeding or cramps, but I never did with the other either.  With the other we found out simply by ultrasound.  So super super nervous!  She said I could do another blood test to see if it was still going up. I could wait a few days as well then do one if i didn't notice a change.

Fri 4/4
I was considering doing a blood test Friday or Monday since I would officially be six weeks by then, but Wed night I started getting that heartburn and a bit of nausea.  Symptoms were worse Thurs night, and tonight they have been there, but nowhere as bad as Thursday night. (I always had "morning sickness" in the evening or late afternoon with Matthew)  If I got sick again, however, those HcG levels and hormones must still be going up, so I am going to forgo the blood test for now.  So I guess we are just going to have to wait for that ultrasound and see where we are. Its another week away.  I am super super nervous for the ultrasound.  I'm so frightened that what happened last time will happen again.  Last time I didn't have many symptoms before the ultrasound, I felt good most days, was sick only a day or maybe two the whole time.  Anyway, crossing my fingers.  So nervous!!


Mon 4/7
I have been sick everyday since last wed, at least a little bit.  Some days sicker than others. If you come over and the house is a mess, you'll know why.  Most of the time its afternoon and evening, occasionally its been all day.  Hoping this is a good sign. We will find out in a week if things are going well up to this point.  We could use all the prayers for this little one we can get!!!  We will let you know what we find out in a week.  However, for now this is on the down low.  I have no idea how we were able to get pregnant. We realize that this pregnancy is not a done deal, we don't have a baby, and I still don't know what awaits around the next corner.  If this fails we are not forgetting about doing IVF because we really feel that again, we have currently witnessed our own miracle. The chances of this happening are super low medically speaking.  This is the second time we've gotten pregnant on our own in six years of marriage! Period.  No others. That lets you know its a bit of a miracle right there.

  Thanks for reading and thanks for your support!!!

The Real Decision

Okay, yes this is a random picture, taken when we went to Waterton Park.  If you have never heard of it, it is in Canada, and the deer come super close to people.  I love the peacefulness of this picture, and its never a bad idea to reflect on peacefulness. :)

On to the annoucement you've been waiting for (anixously I'm sure).  As we said, we looked into everything including IVF, adoption through LDS family services, and foster care/foster to adoption.   We have thought about foster care a lot, and had looked into it last summer. At that time, we didn't feel the timing was right.  We looked into it again recently and talked with many people who have done it/ are doing it.  It is extremly difficult at times for most, but has been a blessing for them as well.  That would be the cheapest/easiest way to get children here, however, we have again decided we will wait on that.

 As we studied adoption it turned out to be much more expensive then we thought it would be.  We thought about birth mothers and who they might choose.  I am guessing that most would not choose a family who already has a kid already that barely makes it financially at the moment, who has a husband still in school.  I'm sure if they really felt it was right, they would place, but overall I would guess not so much. We talked with many people who did not like the way LDS services operated, as they want you to do a lot of the work.  In spite of this, we started the paperwork and went to the orientation.  When I got out of the orientation I felt a huge weight put on my shoulders, the whole day was a bit disheartening.  As we started paperwork, we didn't feel bad about it, but not super excited about adopting at this  time either.

It was then we reluctantly looked into IVF on a serious note.  As I have mentioned previously, we had two huge concerns, health and money.   We had scheduled a visit with Doc. Foulk two months ago. Michael had been wanting to cancel it, since it was just more money and we didn't want to do IVF. I felt we should at least get educated about all our options.  We were a bit discouraged at this point, but went in anyway.  We talked to him, and he answered all our questions about health issues and what studies have been done, and assured us that most always it turns out fine.  We seriously love this guy! He is patient, answered every question we had, didn't rush us at all, made us feel completely comfortable, etc.  We really feel he is in this profession not only to make money, but to genuinely help. He really is concerned about others, and it shows.  After meeting with him, we took home a packet of information to read.  As we have talked to others who have done IVF, we have gradually changed our minds, and have felt that we need to do everything in our power to try to have one "on our own"  (in our case IVF).  We don't know that it will work. The doctor thinks we will have an 85% chance of getting pregnant if the water ultrasound goes well (which it should since I've been pregnant twice) . The only "wild card" would be if my eggs were not good at all.  He would say it would be rare before 40ish, but can't not discount it completely.

Only two obstacles would stand in the way as we see it, however, we are bound and determined to overcome those. The first one is relatively easy....kind of.  IVF success rates drop dramatically around age 38.  I am not quite 38 yet, but I am on the downhill slope. My age starts the downhill success  rate...yep.   This may mean more medication, which means more money, or trying more than once. It also means the sooner we go ahead the better. Our second obstacle, as you may have guess is money.  With Michael making under 22,000 a year the sum of 14,000 give or take seems impossible.  However, we will not be frightened by mere numbers...well, we might be a bit, but we will do everything in our power to pay for this.  One thing the doctor mention was his facility will give a 25% discount on their services to certain couples who apply, who the committee deems as "in need."  This would be a huge help. It would only save us about 2,500-3,000 but I will definitely take it!  We will be gathering all the information we need and apply shortly.  However, it could take a month or two before we hear back.  Other ideas include the 5K race August 30th, its a while to wait, but it is a drawing for two couples to have a free IVF cycle or 5,000 toward a cycle.  The more people who race with you, the better your chances. I almost want to do this regardless because I strongly believe in supporting infertile couples! I also have never run a 5K, so it would be an adventure right? Other ways we are looking into finances are to cut back in anyway we can (there isn't much we can do there, but there is always something.  We do have some savings to put toward IVF, but there is no way it will cover it all with what we are able to put toward it. We would also need a bit if a baby arrived, I'm sure for bills, etc.  A bit worried about finances, but praying that the Lord will guide us and help us with ideas of how to use our money effectively to meet our goals.  We feel we can do this. We have also looked online to find grants/scholarships, but so far not much luck. We will keep looking.  If any of you have great ideas, let us know. I am super tired and this is super long, so so long! I am going to bed!  LETS GO IVF, WE GOT THIS!