Well, plan B it seems...

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, I did mean to post earlier.  The result from the last test was negative, which I pretty much knew by Monday . I started having signs of pregnancy the week before, and by Sunday they started fading.  I didn't really want to do the blood test, but had to anyway. Luckily I only had to do it once since my score was 2. 
 So what next? Well, we are deciding.  We called up the doctors office to see if doing another round with clomid was safe. They assured us it is.  We are deciding now if we want to continue with another round of IUI, which would defiantly be the final one.  We will have reached our limit by that point.  We took this month off to do some praying and trying to figure out if we have the money  or the will power to do one more round or not.  At this point I can honestly say I don't know what we will do.  We would love to have one more child of our own making, but at this point I would be happy to adopt also.  It would be really nice to have at least one, maybe two more.  I don't know that we qualify to adopt right now financially through LDS social services, and I know we can not afford adoption elsewhere at this point. We have decided though that we do not wish to try IVF any time in the foreseeable future, if at all. We just don't feel we should head in that direction.  So our options are: wait for months or years and hope, adopt, or do the last cycle of IUI.  I guess I can update it at that point when we decide.
Meanwhile, to keep the happy thoughts and not focus on not getting pregnant, I came up with a list of what fun not being pregnant can be.  There are many things I enjoy that I can't do while pregnant :
Eat sushi (sashimi), ride any ride at the amusement park I want, waterslides galore, I can still jump, I am not going to feel like I have the flu the next 3 months, I don't have to try and find long shirts that fit, I can enjoy cheese (ha ha didn't get that priveledge while pregnant with Matthew), I can clean without getting tired, and when we move I will be able to pack and lift.  These are just some fun things, but one major thing I have always been worried about is getting post partum depression again. It was definatly one of the most trying times of my life, and I'm sure my hubbies.  I remember wanting to love my baby so bad, but could not feel it for the longest time.  I didn't really want anything to do with him. I remember being super tired all the time and not having energy to do anything (I know this comes with sleep deprevation also).  I was easily angered, my emotions ran crazy. It was not a fun time in my life.  It lasted like this for six months, and very slowly got better until month 10 when I finally finally felt normal. However, to have one more child I would be willing to go through it again (I think! ;) ).  I would be able to prepare more now for this possibility before a little one came though. 

So anyway, for now, we are trying to pray for direction and enjoy Matthew.  It has been a privilege to spend this much time with him one on one. I have loved it. I have loved watching him grow and develop.  As much as I want a child, I would not trade the time we've been given for anything.  I think it was extremely important that we had time to bond after my bout with postpartum.  It was after that I really developed a love and closeness to him, more than I imagined possible. We've also been able to do so many fun things as a family, and its been much easier with only one, I'm sure.  So I guess however you look at it, we've been blessed. Some of our fun adventures

In the mountains

 Carving pumpkins

 Hiking arches

Food shopping at Discovery Gateway

So on to whatever the next step will be....

Tis the end of our journey...

So as of now we have not found out anything about this round of fertility, but either way it goes, we are nearing the end of our journey. Its been a bitter sweet experience. Realizing we are at the end of our journey is difficult. There are still miracles that can occur down the road, I have no doubt, but not sure how long down the road.  The journey of infertilty is difficult for any who have had to take it.  I talked to many people, heard many struggles, and I ache for them all because I know exactly how it feels.  Some have gone on to success, and it is exciting to hear those stories.  Others have not had it as easy and its still a daily struggle to find peace in their life.  It can be hard to be excited for others when they announce they are pregnant with their first, second, third, etc child.  It is easy to wonder, why not me?  There are days like that, and many days like that in the beginning.  However learning to truly find joy and happiness in the good news of others can bless both lives.  I have realized one thing about our journey is my ablility to share my beliefs about God, families, etc with others has become easier because it is such a huge part of my life and how I react to what I'm going through.  Its been a blessing to me to share testimony with all people, no matter what their beliefs are, and I am thankful for their respect toward me and my feelings in that aspect, even when their feelings or views may differ. I have loved being able to share my feelings, and things I know and love freely.  Despite everything, God has been our support and I am greatful. I have always loved Proverbs 3:5-6 (in the Bible).
The next few weeks will either be more joyful than I can now imagine, or one of those few very painful experiences I have had in my life.  That's just how it is, its life. Life was not meant to be easy.  But eventually God will get us through whatever our upcoming experiences will be. 
I say to all the others out there in our same situation...hope on! There is a light somewhere at the end of the tunnel, keep on walking , you'll find it. It might be in a different place or form in your life than you expected, but its there .:)

It may be a while before I post again at either rate, but I wanted to write a concluding statement, at least as far as this phase in our life goes.